Hi friends, happy Friday! You’ve made to the end of the week and that glorious sense of relief, particularly if you’re a semi-permanently sleep deprived mama like me. It seems like no matter the age of your child, sleep is always a major issue. Which is why we’re marking the fourth anniversary of our Real Talk, Real Moms series by discussing all things sleep related! I’m confident that across all the mamas, you’re going to find a nugget of genius that relates directly to any sleep struggles your family might be experiencing.

Real Moms, Real Talk on Sleep and Bedtime Routines on apartment 34Real Moms, Real Talk on Sleep and Bedtime Routines on apartment 34Real Moms, Real Talk on Sleep and Bedtime Routines on apartment 34Real Moms, Real Talk on Sleep and Bedtime Routines on apartment 34

With a four-year-old in the house now, I’ve managed to get past the majority of the sleep regression stage. Most nights we have a solid sleeper that’ll give us 11-12 hours of peace (save a night terror on the occasion. Those are never particularly fun).

A few thoughts on those early years of sleep that I think have given me a pretty good sleeper (and I will not front – I read all the sleep books – so many that they they all blend together now. I’m pretty sure this one was my favorite though). It’s amazing what you can forget in a few sleep deprived years. But here are the key points:

> Set a sleep schedule and stick to it. Same nap and bedtimes daily. Kids love and thrive with routine. Do not fear it.

> Sleep begets sleep. It can seem counterintuitive, but the more sleep a baby gets, the more they’ll sleep. So don’t fret those naps and maybe even move the bedtime up earlier.

> Create a super soothing sleep environment. Some people say this is “spoiling” your kids, but any sleep book for adults talks about creating the most sleep inducing environment possible. A blacked out room, cool but not too cold temperatures, a sound machine. Give them the best chance of falling and staying asleep.

> Sleep training is not evil. Just sayin’. (I used this book to do it at six months).

But these days, I have a whole new struggle on my hands. I’ve got a vocal, opinionated, willful preschooler. Swaddling is long gone my friends. While we can get a full night’s rest, it’s the getting to bed part that is proving extremely tough. Our bedtime routine regularly hits 90 minutes. And I swear it’s only your typical stuff – bath, brushing teeth, going potty, getting on pajamas, reading a story (or four), singing a song, a drink of water. Ok it’s a lot. And the rituals are mission critical, at least to the four-year-old. An attempt to drop one element is always met with massive resistance. Or better yet, the need to start the entire process over from the beginning. But things cannot continue this way. Such a long bedtime routine exhausts everyone, devolving into all the behaviors that’ll break us parents down – whining, stalling, hitting, tantrums. And I’m trying to not drink wine during the week anymore!

We try to do all the things the podcasts say. Boundless patience. Make things playful. When they get upset, get calmer. But I just can’t stomach a 8pm bedtime anymore. So while I like to try to come to these posts with something helpful, or a least share a personal perspective with you, this go round I’m in the thick of the struggle friends.

I’ve considered all the obvious solutions but we can’t really start the bedtime process earlier in the evening. There’s the getting home from school and the cooking and eating of the dinner that has to happen first. We’ve resorted to making baths an every other day thing in attempt to take out one element. We’re trying hard to stick to the one book per parent rule.

So this post is bit more of a cry for help than anything else. How do you manage your nighttime routine? Maybe 90 minutes isn’t abnormally long but it certainly feels that way to me. I would love any and all advice you may have.

I’ll certainly be scouring the posts of all our other mamas for every creative idea I can find. You should too!

FreutcakeThe Effortless ChicThe Sweetest Occasion | Studio DIY Lovely Indeed

For the entire Real Talk archive CLICK HERE.

images 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 

Today I have another installment of Real Talk, Real Moms for you and this month’s topic is rather apropos. This go round we’re talking about the decision to have more kids. And after a string of strep throat, ear infections, other pre-school induced plagues, schlepping a bazillion bags for “fun” family travel and the general challenge of the three-nager phase, I’ve got all the opinions about this.

Real Talk, Real Moms: Going from One Child to More (or Not) on apartment 34

We actually wrote about this topic when Carter was just over a year old, and now that he’s nearly four I can report that my thoughts on having more kids remains unchanged. In fact, I’m probably more firm, confident and clear in my belief than ever before.

I am not meant to mother more than one child.

I have fully recognized my weaknesses as a mom. A limit to my patience. A touch of selfishness. A desperate desire for a little alone time. A serious need for good sleep.

All of those things would certainly get tested if another baby were added to the mix.

How do you know if you should have a second baby anyway?

Lots of people say, well you don’t want to deny your child a sibling. And while yes, I agree – I never want to “deny” my child of any worthwhile experience, as my pediatrician explained, you do not want to have another baby for your existing child. That’s like getting a puppy in an attempt to save a relationship. Not a good idea. Another child should only be had because you want to love and raise another being. (and ps, who says siblings are actually going be friends anyway? I know many a case where siblings basically hate each other).

And while I look at friends who are having their second kids and in some case their thirds, I continue to have zero urge to go through it all again. Giving up my body to grow a tiny human, birthing said human and then diving right back into the sleepless nights, one million diapers and another year (or two) of breast-feeding?? As I prepare to say so long to my 30’s, I’m feeling very done with that phase. My one pang of nostalgia about my baby growing up resulted in us getting a puppy, further cementing my belief that I could not survive the baby phase a second time around (warning: puppies are a LOT of work people.)

We also continue to be very happy family of three. I have very serious concerns about what adding someone else to the mix would do to our current equilibrium. We can balance work and family life (though I haven’t done that so well these past couple weeks – so sorry about that dear readers). My husband and I can go on date nights. We can travel relatively easily. We’re not outnumbered. I see the struggles plaguing friends with multiple kids over and over again. When you no longer out number the babies it can be really hard to keep the upper hand. I applaud each and every one of you who do it. I just know that I’m not really up to the task.

While I feel very resolute about having my one and only child, the rampant stigma about only children often rears its ugly head. It’s been around for literally hundreds of years after all. According to NPR, in 1907 the American Psychological Association called only children “sickly, selfish, strange and stupid… and that being an only child is a disease in itself.” It often feels like that opinion hasn’t changed much.

But there’s so much research out there now which shows that only children can in fact be well-adjusted, high functioning members of society with strong social skills. I just discovered the book One and Only, The Freedom of Having an Only Child and the Joy of Being One – all about the raising of only children and I cannot wait to pick up a copy. For example, the book debunks the myth that only children are lonely. Sure, in some cases I’m sure some only children did feel lonely growing up. But as the author Lauren Sandler explains, “for a lot of only children, being alone is the experience of solitude, which is a very rich thing, instead of loneliness, which is a very painful thing.” Interesting, no? As an only child by birth, I actually think I became more social and outgoing because I didn’t have a built in playmate at home.

An only child herself, Sandler also explains her own mother’s rationale for intentionally have just one child:

“My mother was deeply devoted to raising me. To have a happy kid, she figured she needed to be a happy mother, and to be a happy mother, she needed to be a happy person. To do that, she had to preserve her authentic self, which she could not imagine doing with a second child.

Ding ding ding. That is me, all the way. I 100-percent believe that being a very well-rounded adult will lead to raising a well-rounded kid. So far so good anyway.

So there you have it. I don’t know if this minor diatribe was in any way helpful to anyone else considering whether or not to grow their families. This is just one woman’s take. But I appreciate the opportunity to share it with you. Anyone else out there struggle with these decisions? Any other mamas of onlys out there?? I would love to hear your experiences.

I also can’t wait to see what all our other mamas have to say on this very hot subject. You can read all of their stories by clicking on the links below.

A Daily Something / Natalie Borton / Parker EtcThe Effortless Chic / The Proper Blog / The Life Styled / The Sweetest Occasion / Sugar & Charm / Oh Lovely Day / Studio DIY / Lovely Indeed / Sugar & Cloth / The Fresh Exchange

 

And if you haven’t checked out the Real Talk, Real Mom series yet, we’ve talked Sleep, Feeding, Travel, Career, Self-Care, Co-Parenting and more. Be sure to check out the archives! #realmomseries

I’ve got exciting news for you today. After a bit of a hiatus in 2018, I’m thrilled to announce our Real Talk with Real Moms series is back! While I don’t talk about my tiny human around here that much – I find we can always talk about parenthood! And as I focus more and more on taking a very intentional approach to life, I feel like there’s no better time to trade as many tips and ideas as we can.

So over the course of 2019 I, along with a bevy of other powerhouse blogger mamas, will be diving back into topics that we suspect plague all you parents out there. Today we’re talking the ever-controversial screen time, but also play ideas.

Real Talk with Real Moms: Screen Time & Play on apartment 34

We actually tackled the technology topic about a year and a half ago. As we approach my kiddo’s fourth birthday (how is that possible???), I’m pleased to report we remain a screen-free household. Call me crazy, but I remain firmly against screen time for young kids. That means we still do zero TV,  no iPad games, no time playing with a phone. And I swear, it’s really not that hard.

Well ok, it’s a little hard. Plane flights aren’t my favorite. We don’t brave extended road trips. I have to do some major parental backflips to keep a pre-schooler engaged while trying to get dinner on the table. Yes, it is a bit harder on me. But I still firmly believe it is so much better for him.

Real Talk with Real Moms: Screen Time & Play on apartment 34

I talked about this previously, but in case you missed it, you should know that studies have proven that technology screws with our brains – but particularly the brains of children. There is article after article after terrifying article about tech’s detrimental effects. I’m sure you’ve read many of them. If not, click on one like this. Even tech executives are severely limiting or straight up eliminating their kids’ screen time.

Of course as my son has aged I’ve allowed the occasional exception to our zero-screen-time rule. A quick animal YouTube video here. Katelyn Ohashi’s perfect 10 floor routine there. Yes, we FaceTime with the grandparents. I’m not a barbarian. And don’t get me wrong. Of course I’m excited for him to experience Mr. Rogers. I can’t wait to have Friday family movie nights. But in due time.

The unintended consequence of limiting my son’s screen time has been the dramatic decrease in my own. Where TV used to be a big part of my world, I now only turn it on to binge the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I recognize my own phone addiction and am doing more to mitigate it (do you check your usage stats?? They can be scary).

Real Talk with Real Moms: Screen Time & Play on apartment 34

Now onto play ideas. I wish I could say I have some magic tricks in my bag, but I’m not the Martha Stewart of playtime. A lot of construction gets played. Lots of trains. Lots of art time. We just started board games. We turn a lot of home maintenance into “projects” and give him the opportunity to use a drill, a hammer or a KitchenAide mixer. We go outside. A lot.

One thing I’ve found that really helps keep things fresh is cycling toys. Put things away for a while. A month at least and then suddenly bring those toys back out and it’s like a whole new thing again.

Never underestimate how much fun you can have with a ball.

And then there’s “What’s on My Butt.” I can’t take credit for this. I heard about it from the podcast The Longest Shortest Time. This for the end of the day, I’ve got 30 minutes left before bedtime and I’m running on fumes time. You literally lay on your stomach, have your kid grab a household item and place it on your butt and you have to guess what it is. Just make sure they have to put it back! Bonus points if you can play with glass of wine in hand.

If you have any favorite activities for the 3-4 year old set, I’d love love love to hear your favorite ideas. For the rest of the mamas’ takes, click the links below!

The Effortless Chic || Studio DIY || Natalie Borton || The Life Styled || A Daily Something

 

For the entire Real Talk, Real Moms archive, CLICK HEREI hope you’re excited as we are it’s back.

images via anna truelsen, maison pomme frite and anna landstedt

It’s been a bit since I’ve tackled a mom topic, but this go round the mamas are discussing kids and technology and I couldn’t miss my chance to chime in. Being in this blogging business obviously connects me to technology damn near 24/7. And after a decade of surfing those interwebs, seeing the tech shrink from my desk to the thing that I practically sleep with under my pillow, I definitely have a lot of conflicting emotions about what tech has brought to our lives.

how to manage technology and kids on apartment 34

So I’m going to be the square here and state right up front: I am firmly against introducing technology to young kids.

Harsh, yes, I know. Now, I don’t consider myself a hippie mom or a protect-my-kid-from-any-and- all-evils mom, but the evidence is just in your face that technology screws with our brains – but particularly the brains of children. It stunts their ability to form empathy. It rewires their ability to focus. Technology been shown to increase depression, insomnia and narcissism. It’s addictive. There is article after article after terrifying article about tech’s detrimental effects. I’m sure you’ve read most of them. If not, click on ones like this. Then there’s the anecdotal fact that I just quit social media cold turkey while on vacation last week and could literally pinpoint the dip in my mood when I started scrolling through Instagram again and saw what I’ve “missed.” But that’s likely a blog post for another time.

While I’ve got my own problems to deal with, I’ve done my best to limit technology from invading my son’s world. Granted he’s only 2.5 and still lives in our little bubble. But we’ve yet to introduce TV, there have been no iPad games, and while I have succumbed to using FaceTime and flipping through photos on the phone, I never feel great about it (and in fact, I’ve noticed my son only wants the phone more if we look at pictures too much. Time to actually print those photo books I’ve been meaning to make!). And I’ve survived! In fact, it hasn’t really been that hard. I thought for sure I’d need tech to rescue you me from some parental disaster or another, but I’ve yet to feel the need. Of course, I’m excited for the days when he can watch Sesame Street, and I wonder what his first movie will be (mine was Sleeping Beauty in the theater btw), but that’s mostly about reliving my own childhood than enriching his. He’d rather just play basketball, or trucks or sing a song. And I’m probably just lusting after the 20-minute break.

Does this mean we’ve had to leave a nice dinner when there was a meltdown? Yes. Does this mean that my six hour flights to and from a Hawaii were a bit more torturous? Yes. Do I miss watching sports on the weekends because we always keep the TV off? Sure. But limiting my son’s exposure to technology has also dramatically increased my awareness of technology’s invasion into my day. I recognize my own weaknesses and think about how lucky I was to not have to fight against them as a kid. I grew up with six TV channels and didn’t get a video game until I was 13. And yet I always wanted to sneak in more than my 30 minutes of allotted TV time.

Of course, I don’t miss the irony that I’m delivering this opinion via technology nor the fact that you’re probably reading it on your phone right now. But I also don’t miss the fact that my son notices every single time I pick up my phone. So now when he gets up from his nap, I keep my phone in a different room. I’ve turned off all notifications. I keep my laptop in my office rather than on my couch. If he doesn’t see my world revolving around tech, it won’t occur to him for his world to do the same.

 

So I’m going to keep trucking with this zero technology thing for as long as I can. I know as my son gets bigger and makes friends he’ll probably get exposed to TV. I know that there are some benefits to digital learning games and maybe at some point we’ll try them. I know kids will have to be fully fluent in technology to survive in today’s world, but developing that fluency is inevitable. I know I’m probably getting ahead of myself, but I read about this pledge: wait until 8th. It’s the idea that kids should not spend any significant time on smart phones until they are 14 years old. I’m into it.

Of course, I realize parents have to make their own choices about all of this and I certainly don’t judge. You’ve got to do what feels right for you. But the last decade has changed our own use of technology so dramatically, we’ve barely even had time to realize what it’s done to our relationships, our communications skills – our own health – let alone the long term effects it might have on tiny brains.

But I’m curious? What boundaries do you use with technology? How do you mamas with older kids deal? I would love to hear your thoughts. And be sure to check out the other posts from these mamas!

Ave Styles || The Life Styled || Design for Mankind || Natalie Borton || The Effortless Chic

 

For the entire Real Talk, Real Moms archive, CLICK HERE

image via my domaine

Happy Friday friends! Our Real Talk, Real Moms series is back today with a topic I’m really interested to discuss with you. Today we’re dishing about finding your confidence as a mom. Or more aptly titled “continually searching for your confidence” as a mom. I’ve certainly been on a confidence roller coaster ride since having my little guy, so today I thought I’d take you along on a bit of my journey.

finding confidence as a mom on apartment 34

Is one ever confident about being a good mom? I think grandmothers are, but that’s after they’ve gotten to see the product of their work over 30 some years. It’s like reading the end of a novel first – you know how everything turns out in the end. But starting out as a new mother, you’re at the very first page of that book. And when you think about it, it’s not really a novel – things are not laid out in a nice neat line. Instead, it’s more like a choose your own adventure story where you really never know what the outcome is going to be.

I was relatively good at rolling with the punches of early motherhood. I didn’t read a lot of parenting books. I didn’t obsess too much about milestones. I was basically satisfied if my guy was happy, healthy and only woke up 1x a night. Small victories right?

finding your confidence as a mom on apartment 34

The earlier months of motherhood didn’t feel as angst filled as more recent months have. Now that my kid is not only fully aware of his surrounds but understands every single thing we say and much of the innuendo we use to try to keep him from understanding, I’m getting more worried. Just how do you teach a kid to be a good person? How do you not pass down your sh**? How do you teach empathy? What kind of discipline is effective? How do you raise a feminist? How do you raise a sensitive boy and quality man? These questions give me A LOT more anxiety.

how to find your confidence as a mom on apartment 34

Sadly, I don’t have a lot of answers yet. Since my kid just turned two, I’d like to say that, in the grand scheme of parenting, I’m still relatively new at this. The only nugget of advice I can offer at this point is to realize you must parent with intention. It’s so easy to breeze through your days. To not think about what you’re saying. To react to a frustrating toddler rather than listen, relate and engage. In the last six months, my mothering has shifted from loving playmate to highly intentioned teacher, listener and yes, disciplinarian. Now I’ve started reading more books which I do think help. My faves are the Whole Brain Child, Brain Rules and Permission to Parent, and I’m always looking for more recommendations! While I’ve managed to maintain my chill (for the most part), it certainly is daunting to look down at this tiny person and think that the interactions I’m having with him right now could affect him for the rest of his life. No biggie.

Now I’m going to check out the other posts from the rest of the mamas for their advice!

 Design for Mankind || A Daily Something || The Fresh Exchange || The Sweetest Occasion || Ave Styles || Oh Lovely Day || The Effortless Chic

To catch up on the rest of our Real Mom series, CLICK HERE.

I’m not sure how it happened, but Memorial Day weekend is a week away. A week! The unofficial start to summer is upon us. Which means it’s time to hit the road! We’ve got a couple of summer trips up our sleeves so far, and of course, I’m a huge fan of the local weekend getaway, so I think our suitcases are about to get a lot of use. Now that my kiddo is two and we have a lot of traveling under our belt, I feel excited rather than anxious about vacationing as a family. While it can be incredibly stress-inducing, you can, in fact, hit the road and have everyone enjoy the ride. That’s why the mamas have decided to tackle family vacations for this edition of Real Talk, Real Moms. Given the varied experiences between us all, there’s probably enough here to write a book! So scroll down for my top tips and then be sure to check out the other mamas – between all of us, you’ll know every travel trick in the book.

tips for family vacations on Apartment 34

Pack Less than You Think Need
I know kids clothes are really cute, especially vacation clothes, but you can really save yourself headaches by cutting down on all crap you haul on vacation. Outfits can be repeated. In an ideal world, you might have laundry where you’re staying. Plan looks for your kids and then cut the amount of stuff in half. Seriously. They’ll be in bathing suits 90% of the time. Also, pack your diapers in your car seat bag when you check it (it checks for free!) to save space in your luggage. Oh and if you desperately need something you didn’t bring (and you aren’t off the grid) there’s Amazon to save you.

Kid Friendly Schedules
Your children’s sleep is your best friend. If you can, try to plan your travel days around nap schedules. We typically try to fly between 11AM-1Pm to make sure we’re not too rushed in the morning and have a prayer of the kid falling asleep on the plane during nap time. Now that he’s two that’s happening less frequently, but a mama can dream.

Enough Time, but not Too Much Time 
My husband would probably debate me on this tip, but see what you think. I like to plan our plane travel so that we’re always moving. No standing around and waiting. This can cause a little extra stress when you make the check-in cut off by three minutes, but I’m always thankful to walk straight from the desk, through security, to the gate, and onto the plane. Downtime just leads to crankiness and fidgeting and you run out of ways to entertain tiny people. Maybe I also like the adrenaline rush, I don’t know. But I say no getting to the airport two hours early and standing around. Keep your timing as tight as your stress levels can handle.

Have a Secret Toy
I cannot take credit for this tip. Another mom-friend passed it along to me, and it is genius for any plane trip or car ride. Find something little your child has never seen before. Something fun. Something with a bell or whistle or two that will attract and hold attention in your most desperate moment. Then and only then is when you bust out the Secret Toy. It will get used. It will save the day. You will be thankful.

Feed Often
Tons of stimulation, new activities, and unknown environments make littles way hungrier than you’d ever expect. So pack snacks where ever you go and feed at the slightest sign of crankiness. Crackers are also effective at bribing toddlers to sit in their seats during takeoff. Until you get held on the runway for an extra hour (see above tip).

How to take family vacations on Apartment 34

Revel in Repetition
If you’re typically an adventurer, you might need to redefine the term. There’s actually something soothing about settling into a routine and it can definitely help your littles adjust to new places, new time zones and the unexpected. Embrace the slow and let it go.

Divide and Conquer
When it comes to traveling with your kiddos, your partner is your best friend. Or really anyone who is willing to lend a hand. Grandparents. Siblings. The random stranger on the airplane who will hold your baby while you pee. Take advantage of all the help you can get. Trade off meal preparation or bedtime duties so someone can get a break. Even on vacation child rearing is exhausting, so you want to make sure you build in some ways everyone gets their down time.

Nap When They Nap
‘Nuff said.

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Drink Wine
And if does start getting a little overwhelming, take a walk, take a mini meditation session, take a deep breath. And then order more wine.

Enjoy Every Minute
All the cliches are true. It goes so quickly. They grow so fast. The days are long but the years are short. Soak it up, people. The good, the bad and the ugly. Because ultimately, in the end, all of it is actually good. In fact, it’s great.

Bonus tip: When you get back home from your vacation, have a photobook made of your adventure. Our two year old loves looking through the book about our trip to Hawaii (details on that here), talking about what we did there and what we experienced. It’s a great way to build memory and it’s really dang cute too.

For all my favorite travel destinations CLICK HERE

For the rest of the mama’s posts, click below.

Design for Mankind || Oh Lovely Day || Natalie Borton || A Daily Something || The Fresh Exchange || The Effortless Chic

Childcare. Until you have a kid, you have no idea what a weighted topic this is. Everyone has opinions on who should do the caring of the child, how the child should be cared for, how much someone should be compensated for said care and on and on. There is so much to unpack when considering childcare options, I had a hard time deciding where this post should focus. While we’re now entering the throes of pre-school applications and will soon face the fun challenge of figuring out childcare when your kid is only “in school” three half-days a week, I’m going to save that drama for another post. Instead, I’m going to share my harrowing childcare experience as a cautionary tale. I hope it will help someone following in our parental footsteps to avoid the mistakes we made.

talking childcare on apartment34

Our kiddo was born in early April (he’s almost 2, ahhh!) and thankfully both I and my husband had substantial parental leave. So those first few months were nothing but sleep deprived baby bliss. I did manage to blog during that time (which truthfully, I now regret – I wish I could have just let it all go and cherished the fleeting moments of the newborn phase. But it can be hard to surrender, especially when this space is kinda like my first baby…but back to my story).

In what felt like was a blink of an eye, both the hubs and me had to go back to full-time 9-5 work. While I was sad to leave my little dude, I was also excited to have a part of me back – but that’s a different topic that we actually discussed right here. Having no immediate family in the Bay Area, we had to look for outside help. At only four months old, Carter seemed too teeny for the daycare route (though I know many moms who did it and loved it). We decided to hire a nanny – and quickly. The timing kind of snuck up on us. Luckily we had a referral, who we interviewed briefly and who seemed great so we hired her on the spot.

Now, choosing who is going to care for your kid is a major decision. It impacts all factors of your life. It affects your stress levels, your peace of mind, your ability to work, even how you parent. If you have someone who comes to your home, you’re essentially welcoming someone into your family. They’re going to see all the warts we usually try to hide – how long we leave dishes sitting in the sink, your underwear hanging on the drying rack, what you look like with bedhead! You’ve got to get real comfortable with whoever is caring for your kid real quick. I should know this – I was a nanny all through college!

Unfortunately, I learned finding said person is a lot easier said than done. I quickly discovered that while caring for the child is a nanny’s primary job, so many other factors are of critical importance. Are they reliable? Are they on time? Are they thoughtful? Do they pay attention to details? Do they communicate effectively? Are they open to feedback? Are they respectful of your home and possessions? If the answer to any of these questions is no, you’re likely in trouble. To rely on someone to help your life run, only to have them be constantly late, or not show up at all, break things, lose things, lock themselves out of the house, lock themselves out of the car, be incapable of adhering to schedules or to follow instructions – that all adds copious amounts of stress to an already overloaded mom’s plate. To boil it down: it’s really hard to have your shit together when you’re a working new mom, so you really want to make sure your childcare provider has their shit together – otherwise everything turns into a stinking hot mess.

Without getting into the details too much, let’s just say our first nanny did not work out. So then I was back on the childcare hunt, frantically asking friends for referrals, getting on all kinds of mommy listservs and jumping on all the babysitting websites and apps. San Francisco is a very competitive market for nannies. Good ones get snatched very quickly.  After interviewing multiple candidates – which is nearly a full-time job in itself mind you – I thought I’d finally found a good fit. Someone a bit older, with a bit more experience, good references. We even did a trial run to see how everyone felt. I thought we were golden – but we were also leaving on vacation. So I paid this potential nanny in advance to retain her while we were away for two weeks. Upon our return, she promptly quit, claiming a job closer to her home just happened to come up and she just had to take it. She did not return our money.

Second lesson learned: sign an employment contract. Employment contracts with childcare providers solve a lot of problems. They help lay out very clear expectations. They make sure everyone agrees upon responsibilities and job duties, on payment schedules and sick leave etc etc. While we had in fact negotiated one with this second nanny candidate, we only established verbal agreements, rather than ensuring everyone signed on the bottom line before taking our vacation. Leaving us with no legal leg to stand on. And out a boat load of cash. Big mistake. Huge, as they say.

And so there I was, back to square one yet again. Needless to say, I was both panicked and super anxious at this point. Could I not trust my own instincts? Did I not know what was best for my kid? Am I that bad of a judge of character? Probably not. It’s just that finding really good, reliable, honest, loving, caring people is hard! So in desperation (because I’d been without help for a month now and I did have this little ole blog to run and my husband couldn’t take time off work. I can’t image what a mom who doesn’t work for themselves would do. Our childcare policies in this country are a travesty. But that is yet, another post. So back to my story). For our final go-round, I turned to the pros – a nanny agency. They do a lot of the legwork for you including initial screenings, background checks, interviewing references and ensuring all candidates are highly qualified and who they say they are!

Thankfully, the third time was the charm. After diligently interviewing multiple candidates (with interview questions the agency helped us with that really got into how a person reacts to crisis, conflict, and their personal philosophies on childcare), checking references and doing an in-home trial, we found a wonderful nanny who our son loves. While not everything is picture perfect all the time, I have identified my childcare deal breakers: be reliable, be trustworthy, try your best and help my kid learn and grow.  With all those boxes checked I can go to work feeling good. And that is quite the relief. We have to remember that Mary Poppins is in fact, a fairy tale.

So how about you? Anyone else have a harrowing childcare story to share? I’m sure some of the other mamas do – living scattered around the country and with different aged babes – we’ve been through it all. Check out their posts below!

Alex | Jen | LeahHeyMama | Cyd | Natalie | RebeccaCatherine | Sarah | Caitlin

For our Real Moms archive that includes topics like breastfeeding, going back to work, self-care, co-parenting, travel & more  CLICK HERE

A few years back, Randi Zuckerberg – yes, sister of that guy who started that book-face thing – was widely credited for identifying the entrepreneurs’ dilemma. She declared that out of five things; work, sleep, family, fitness or friends you can only nurture three with any measure of success. As an entrepreneur, I completely agree. But now having birthed a tiny human, I also say substitute the words new mom for entrepreneur and you find yourself in the same conundrum (and what about us entrepreneur-moms? Do we have a double dilemma? Do we only get to pick two out of the five because we have to pick work to keep our businesses from failing…but I’m getting off track.) My point is that when it comes to motherhood something else in your life tends to give. Sadly, friendship is the primary thing that has fallen by the wayside in my world, but I know I’m not the only one. Friendship often falters for many new moms. That’s why, for this edition of Real Talk, Real Moms, we decided to give voice to this challenge.

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Now, before having kids I swore up and down that I wouldn’t be one of those moms who never sees her friends. Swore. But I am the first to admit I am a horrible friend. Terrible. Just the worst. Seriously.

I don’t return calls. I barely remember to answer texts. In my world, a heart on Instagram has become as good as a catch-up sesh. And making a new friend?! Forget it. It’s damn hard to make friends in your 30s under the best of circumstances. The New York Times has devoted multiple pieces to the never-ending challenge – probably because a lot of its writers are in their 30s right now. As one article explains, “the period for making B.F.F.’s, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to situational friends: K.O.F.’s (kind of friends) — for now.” Too true. There was certainly little time for any BS before kids. And now? No way.

In fact, making new friends is so challenging, this New York Magazine piece talks about how you should court friends like you would a romantic relationship. But that probably requires staying up past 9pm. Or getting dressed most days of the week. Or managing to leave your house (most definitely an entrepreneurial mom problem). Now don’t get me wrong, I do consider my circle of “friends” to be quite large. I belong to a moms Facebook group that has over 500 women in it. I do make it to the occasional social event and exchange air kisses and pleasantries with the best of them. But when I experienced a soul crushing death in the family did I reach out to any of them for help – or did they reach out to me? Nope. If I had an emergency and needed someone to watch my kid would I feel comfortable calling one up? Don’t think so. Do I even have any of their numbers in my phone?! Even though most moms know tons of other moms and many of us participate in moms groups those moments of connection are fleeting – interrupted by spit-up, a diaper explosion or a melt down. It can end up feeling like you’re stranded on your own tiny island.

This situation is tough. It feels pathetic. It’s depressing. It’s actually probably bad for my health. In fact, article after article talks about how both self-worth and happiness are ultimately judged not by career success, accolades or money, but by friendships. I have started to feel really bad about my friendship gap. I feel terrible guilt for neglecting my good friends who I truly love and adore. I feel sad about not being able to cultivate new friends – real ones with actual bonds. I often feel lonely.

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So this year, I decided I want to proactively do something about it. In fact, my intention for 2017 is to CONNECT (I talked more about that here). While it’s unlikely I’ll magically transform back to my social butterfly self anytime soon (I’m typically a puddle by 7pm these days), there are a few practical ways I’ve attempted to implement my intention thus far. They include:

– Schedule a lunch or coffee date with someone I enjoy and haven’t caught up with in awhile – and NOT cancel.

– Fire off a text to a friend whenever she happens to cross my mind.

– Write a physical note to a friend once a month.

– Reach out to someone I wish I was still connected to and simply let them know I still care – no expectations or strings attached.

And I do have grander friend-ambitions. I’d like to start a ladies who brunch club – just a casual way to bring friends together on a Sunday, with or sans kids, to just hang out and spend time together – during daylight hours. But I do have to finish this dang house first. Or at least get it to a point I’m no longer embarrassed by it. Oh and remember how to cook again. So baby steps it is. But I know that even as exhausted as I often feel, putting effort into friendships will ultimately refuel me – even if the effort is taxing at first. This article about being a terrible friend also recently lifted my spirits. It reminds us that the depths of early motherhood are temporary. Even fleeting. Kids grow super fast. The time when they need us constantly and want us desperately is very short indeed.

Someday, probably without even realizing it, you’ll wake up and realize you’re the old you again. So to my dear friends who might be reading this. Please do keep in touch. I promise I’m still here and still care. And hopefully will be me again soon.

Have you struggled with maintaining friendships as a mom? I’d love to hear how you navigated things. And of course, you must be sure to check out all the other mamas’ experiences. You can read about them by clicking the links below.

Ave StylesThe Refined WomanThe Effortless Chic / The Sweetest Occasion

For our entire Real Talk, Real Moms archive CLICK HERE.

Politics. I don’t talk about it on this site much. Sure, I’ve mentioned it here a time or two, but I’m very aware that is not why people come to Apt34. But politics is also impossible to escape. You can’t escape the headlines. You can’t escape the commentary on Facebook (unless you delete the app I guess), but most importantly, you cannot escape how it affects your daily life. Because it does. So today we’re going to talk about it. Our Real Moms group decided together that those who wanted to should tackle this topic as part of our Real Talk / Real Mom series. After what the presidential election put our nation through, I think we could all benefit from a group therapy sesh! So today we’re each sharing our personal stories and takeaways as it relates to the election. Because if politics is anything, it’s personal. But I want to be clear. My goal today is not to preach. Nor to proselytize. Nor cast blame. That’s not what this post is about.

While I’ve never attempted to hide my own political views (if you follow me on Twitter you should be well aware of my leanings!), my hope is that this post is helpful to anyone, regardless of your political allegiance. I don’t know if I’ll achieve that. I’ve received criticism from some readers for expressing my political views – saying this site is a place for inspiration. On the flip side, I’ve also been accused of being shallow and out of touch by not tackling this topic head on. I realize you cannot make everyone happy, nor should you try, but the current state of our nation makes it impossible for me to stay quiet. So here we go.

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I’ve yet to fully process my thoughts and feelings since Nov 8. It will probably take me weeks, if not months. As a white woman with means, I benefit from that privilege. This is not the case for millions of others. I have to go on record to say that I consider the misogynist, homophobic, racist, xenophobic rhetoric used by the president-elect’s campaign incredibly sad. It is divisive, manipulative and corrosive. Even dangerous. It is a stain on our national political history. But I also understand why people voted the way they did. Our government is broken. It’s done little to serve the interests of regular people for decades. You can lay blame in all kinds of directions for this dysfunction. But no matter the root of the problem, it is one of the major reasons the Trump messaging appealed.

But the reasons behind the election’s outcome are not what post is about either.

Few people know this, but I spent the first 10 years of my career working in politics, from the national to the local level. So rather than get into ideological debates, I want to write about what you can actually do to make a difference. It can often feel like one person doesn’t have much power. It can feel like our voice is small and doesn’t carry much weight. It is easy to feel lost, despondent and ineffective. But that is far from the truth. No matter your political leanings there are a lot of things you, as a single individual, can do to make a very real impact on the world around you. This post is about a brighter future and how we might attain it. I’ve created the following political activism checklist – I’m considering it my own daily reminder – because we’ve now seen the repercussions of complacency first hand.apt34_brighterfuture

Teach your children the importance of right and wrong. Tolerance. Acceptance. Equality. A rejection of violence against women. That black lives matter. That love is love. And explain why. It starts with our kids. We can teach them to be better citizens of this world than we are.

Be informed. Perhaps the most depressing thing about the 2016 Presidential election was its reality show-like quality. The dialogue felt more like a he-said, she-said episode of the Bachelorette than a discussion of substantive policies that would help our country. It’s not always fun to do the work of being informed, but taking things at face value means you often miss the larger picture. There is nothing simple about governing. If the answer feels easy, you should probably question it. How do you do that? Read multiple news sources. Reject fake news (this list  of questionable news outlets is a great source). Really listen to the other side’s perspective. When you share your opinion back it up with substantive facts. I think if we all do the work of returning to civil political debate and educated political discourse, our society at large will benefit. If you want to really dive into our post-truth nation, this piece is really interesting.

Broaden your horizons. Human nature dictates that we surround ourselves with the familiar. People, who look, think and act like we do. But that’s been a direct contributor to the current state of affairs. It’s too easy to deny someone else’s reality when you know nothing about it. So make a point to walk in someone else’s shoes. Travel. Even if it’s just to the playground in the neighborhood across town. Read about different perspectives (I like this book and this book). It’s also been proven that social media and technology addiction decrease empathy in children. And likely in all of us. But empathy is exactly what we need right now so try harder to connect in real life.

Make your voice heard. Tweets, Facebook posts and kvetching with your friends is all well and good, but to impact real change you have to make the people in power hear you. The most effective way to do this is to actually show up at their doorstep. Visit their offices, be it in the nation’s capital or the local office in your home town. When you’re face to face it’s pretty hard to be ignored. The next best thing is to pick up the phone. Our national representatives actually do have real live people answering their phones (I used to be one of them) and they take note of the issues their constituents are calling about. Call about political appointments. Call about specific issues (like marriage equality, health care, education). Call about specific legislation  You can also write letters or emails, but those do get more lost in the shuffle. Email and mail backlogs are massive. If you need your representatives’ phone numbers click here.

Get involved. As I said earlier politics is personal. And it’s not a spectator sport. You have to get in on the ground level to really make an impact. This can happen in a myriad of ways. When it comes to impacting what your elected officials do and think, show up at their Town Hall meetings. Talk about the issues that matter to you most. If you really care about the environment, attend hearings about local land use issues. If you care about education, sit in on the next School Board Meeting. Or look for ways to impact your local communities. Volunteer for a nonprofit that supports an issue you care about passionately. Better yet join their board. Or organize a fundraiser, a petition drive or demonstration.

Put your $ where your mouth is. If you cannot give your time, but you care deeply, consider giving some of your dollars. Nonprofits in particular always struggle for resources and there are a lot of nonprofits who are going to be putting in overtime hours of the next few years. You can also donate in the name of someone else – an excellent holiday gift! This is a great list of nonprofits to consider.

Impact 2018. You don’t have to wait for the next presidential election to affect national politics. The 2018 mid-terms is where we reelect our Representatives and members of the Senate. Right now Republicans control both houses. Most of our Representatives and Senators are incumbents. It will be interesting to see how they react to the new political realities. Will they stand by issues we care about? You can do a lot to impact the 2018 elections. You can volunteer in local campaign offices. You can doorbell. Phone bank. Put a sign in your yard. Talk to neighbors. Donate money if you don’t have time. And don’t forget to VOTE.

Don’t fall silent. Regardless of your beliefs, it’s impossible to deny that 2016 instigated vitriol I’ve certainly never seen in my lifetime. It feels familiar to our parents’ generation and the revolutionary 1960’s they lived though. We cannot turn a blind eye. We cannot go backwards. Human decency does not belong to one side of the isle or the other. So speak out when you see injustice. Speak out when you see someone’s rights being violated. Speak out when you see discrimination, mistreatment or bigotry. We owe it to our children to fight for that pie-in-the-sky ideal – that we are all indeed equal and can have equal opportunity for success. I have a feeling that if we stopped watching as much reality tv and instead paid a little more attention to real life we might not have gotten to this place.

So that’s my checklist. These are the things I’m commiting to do in a proactive, intentional, shout it from the rooftops kind of way. I hope one or two ideas might have inspired you. To check out everyone else’s take on where we go from here, head to their posts. I certainly can’t wait to read them.

Ave StylesDesign for Mankind The Effortless Chic / The Life Styled

 

For our Real Talk/ Real Moms archive CLICK HERE.

We will now go back to regularly scheduled programming.

image via here

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