As summer love begins to unfold {or, as being single over the next few adventure-filled weeks looks more and more attractive}, we thought it’d be the perfect time to interrupt regularly scheduled programming with our second Love Series installment! Written by the ever-witty, ever-insightful and always real, Megan McCarty, today she talks about why it’s so hard to break it off…
I’m not great at goodbyes.
In Minneapolis, where I happily call home, everybody rolls their eyes at what we call the Minnesota Long Goodbye. For whatever reason, it takes some sweet, good-intentioned midwesterners for-frickin’-ever just to say goodbye, repeating parting pleasantries over and over. Partially it’s based in deep-rooted manners, partially it comes from social awkwardness, mostly it’s just annoying.
I do the opposite. At a party, I slip on my shoes and slink out the door with no fuss and no announcement, instead just whispering to my nearest friend that I’m leaving, who can then pass along “Oh, she left hours ago…” if my name comes into conversation.
The same goes for casual dating relationships. Sometimes, almost always regretfully, I slink out of a new relationship without properly telling them. (Awful, I know!)
The slow fade. The gradual slooowwwing of communication. The declining of plans. When I used to respond to an inane text within minutes, it now takes hours. When I used to be free for a Friday night dinner date, now I’m booked. Soon enough the whole situation loses momentum, fades to black and I’m off the hook.
It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Just five little words would suffice: “This isn’t working for me.”
But, as that polite, good-intentioned midwesterner, I also try to avoid conflict whenever possible. So instead of acting like the grown-up woman that I am – one who pays bills on time and studies nutritional labels and meticulously gets her car’s oil changed – I turn into a coward, hiding from what should be a simple conversation.
It’s easy to justify. I’m sparing him from hurt feelings, I think. Or, we weren’t even officially dating, so we don’t need to break up. I know how painful rejection can be; I cringe when imagining inflicting that on someone else. Truth is, though, that I’m not sparing anyone’s feelings by just avoiding them, my own included.
And I should know – I’ve been on the other side of this disappearing act, the one left wondering, “What the hell happened to you?” You know the drill: you start dating a guy, things seem to be going well, he meets your friends, you consider the word “boyfriend,” and then poof! He falls off the face of the earth.
In today’s dating world, with so many options at our busy little fingertips, no wonder we’re so quick to cut and run. But can we all agree that we at least owe each other the courtesy of being upfront about it?
Starting with me.
Here, let me practice: “This isn’t working for me. This isn’t working for me. This isn’t working for me…”
Where do you fall on this subject? Dating can be scary, seemingly never-ending, a bust and then it can be fun, empowering and exciting. You learn so much about your wants and needs {and welp, there’s irrational deal breakers too!} and most importantly, how to treat people, including yourself. We love the idea Megan brings up of avoiding avoidance – pulling up your big girl panties and being honest about things. The more ‘kinda uncomfortable, ugh, I really don’t want to do this’ conversations you have, the easier they become and the stronger you get it. Remember, it all leads to a happy place, in the end. Like a bolder you and an awesome summer!!
You can follow Megan here and here for more of her insanely funny insights on life!
As much as that conversation SUCKS, when I was dating I forced myself to give a guy a straight answer (by text/email or phone depending on the intensity of the “relationship”). Here’s why:
-There is nothing as horrible as being on the other side of the slow fade. You like someone, you see it going somewhere, and then ignore you or make up excuses. Seriously this KILLED me.
-The 5-10 minute conversation was way better than getting the texts/calls/emails and ignoring them/making up excuses. You’re off the hook, and so are they.
-It’s the right thing to do. You know, the whole “do unto others” thing.
-It puts good karma out there! My logic was that if I did the right thing to the guys I didn’t want to see anymore, maybe one of the guys I liked would get back to me!
Other than “This isn’t working for me” I also used:
-The chemistry just isn’t there for me.
-I feel more like we’re friends.(Be careful with that one….they might ask to actually be friends)
-I started seeing someone else more seriously.
Hopefully this is helpful!! I loved this post 🙂
Ohhhh we call it the Irish Goodbye! For groups, I MUCH prefer to just leave…. And I’ve done that a couple times in relationships haha. As I’ve grown up though, I’ve tried to be better about that….
Oh my gosh, I smiled when I read that description of long-winded Midwestern goodbyes! I grew up in Iowa & I do the same dang thing here in the South. My boyfriend (who’s from SC) thinks I’m crazy.
Anyways, I am with you wholeheartedly on this topic. I recommend to all of my friends to be honest with people, especially in dating, etc. as if it were easy… but I was never good at it. I even had a hard time telling my friends ‘no’ to plans offered. I have finally surrounded myself with people who cherish brutal honesty & we share it openly. I’m not perfect at it, but I’m trying.